Saturday, June 30, 2012


John Smoltz told this joke last night on the MLB Network.

Q: What did the snail say as he rode the turtle's back?

A: Yeeeee-Hah!!

Which reminded me of this one.

A snail went into a car dealership to buy a brand-new, fire engine red Ferrari. As they close the deal, he made one additional request. He asked them to paint a big white "S" on the side of the car. The dealer asked why, and he answered, "Well, my name is Sydney, and I want everyone to know this is MY car."
So, they did as he asked. Now, he speeds happily all around town, and you can hear his friends say as he zooms by,
"Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Friday, June 29, 2012

What Would You Do?

Years ago, when I owned a small farm in Ireland, I was taking one of my cows to the Limerick Meat Market when me and the cow were hit by a truck and tossed three feet up in the air and into a deep ditch by the side of the road.
When I recovered I sued the truck driver. However, the truck driver employed a hotshot lawyer who gave me a very hard time in court.
'But, Mr.O'Callaghan', the lawyer said, 'The Patrol Officer's statement clearly says that when he asked you how you were at the time of the accident, you said, 'I'm grand. I'm grand.' 'You surely can't deny that, now, can you?'
'Well, it was like this you see,' I responded, 'I had decided to take my brown and white speckled cow to the market. I was walking down the Limerick road in broad daylight, under a clear blue sky when...'
'I didn't ask you for all the details,' the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer my question. Did you or did you not say to the police officer at the scene of the accident, 'I'm grand.'?'
'Well, as I was trying to tell you,' I said, 'I was taking my brown and white speckled cow to the market, and minding my own business, when all of a sudden...'
The lawyer interrupted again and said 'Judge, I am only trying to establish the fact that, the plaintiff told the Highway Patrolman he was feeling grand. Now several weeks later he claims he was badly injured in the accident. Your honor, I suggest this is a fraudulent attempt to extract unwarranted damages from my client. Since the plaintiff can't deny that he said what he said, I ask the court to dismiss the personal damages claim.'
'I'd like to hear the full text of what Mr.O'Callaghan has to say,' the judge said.
'Thank you, your honor,' I replied. 'As I was saying, I was walking down the Limerick road in broad daylight and as sober as a judge, when Mick Murphy's truck came around the corner and drove right into me and my cow. Both of us were tossed upside down into the ditch. My neck, my leg and my arm were hurting real bad and I was afraid to move.
'But poor Molly was worse than me. In fact, she was moaning and groaning worse than a wild banshee. I must have blacked out from the pain because when I awoke I saw the Patrol Officer take one look at Molly, pull out his gun and shoot her in the head!
'Then he looked down at me. The smoking gun was still in his hand. I thought he had a strange look in his eyes as he said, 'Are you hurt very bad, son?'.'
"Now, what would you say?"

Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Old Man In The Park

A guy is jogging through the park, when he comes upon an old man, sitting on a park bench, sobbing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong, oldtimer?"

"I'm 84, and I'm married to a 26-year-old supermodel. She adores me. She cooks, cleans house, and we make wild, passionate love every night."

"Well, then, why are you crying?"

"I can't remember where I live!"

I always have one

I can't remember birthdays, appointments, or names. But if you tell me a joke, I'll be able to tell it back to you years later. I thought it would be nice to share some of these stories that have been rattling around for years.