Monday, October 29, 2012

What Do I Do?

All day today, the TV has been filled with news about Hurricane Sandy. I've been told to "hunker down".

The thought occurred to me, exactly how do you "hunker"? And, why is it always down? Can't you ever "hunker" in a different direction?

Hunker up?

Hunker to the left?

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Safety Tip

Q: In case of a fire, What steps would you take?

A: Incredibly large ones.

Some Really Stupid Ones

My son and I recently spent some time trading some of the stupidest jokes we know. Enjoy!

Q: What's the greatest thing about living in Switzerland?
A: ....The flag's a plus.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A: Because he felt crummy.

Q: What do you call a dog with three legs and steel balls?
A: Sparky

Q: What you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter. He won't come, anyway.

Q: What did the constipated mathematician do?
A: He worked it out with a pencil!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

An Oldie But Goodie

I came across this on another site. I've told this joke dozens of times, and it always makes me laugh.

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.
One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.
one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?”
“Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.
“Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed.
Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Getting Older

A couple of days ago, I turned 59, which made me think of this one.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married tonite." The Doctor said in amazement, "Married?! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wants to?"

Monday, September 10, 2012

Say What?

OK, this isn't really a joke, but rather, a funny example of the way my mind sometimes works, or fails to. An old friend of mine recently purchased an earthenware flowerpot from Mexico. What he actually said was he got a good deal on a Mexican pot.

Well, when I saw the term "Mexican pot", a container for flowers was NOT the first thing that came to mind.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

For My Friend

A friend of mine is going through a tough time right now. It made me think of this one, which sums up what she's going through.

May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Getting Old

I saw an ad about Alzheimer's, which made me think of this one:

There are four signs of getting older.

1) Your memory starts to go.
2) Something else I forget.
3) You start to repeat yourself.
4) You start to repeat yourself.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Where Are They

Happened to see some camo stuff, and it reminded me of this:

I went to the store to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find them.

Friday, August 31, 2012

A Stupid Joke

This morning, a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door. They've always amused me. Anyway, it reminded me of this joke.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an agnostic?

Someone who knocks on your door, but then they don't know why.

Friday, August 24, 2012

The Disagreement

I used to love telling this one at work.

Two friends are driving through Wisconsin, when they enter a small town, spelled "Oconomopole". They get into a friendly argument about how it's pronounced. Is it "oh-kah-no-MAH-po-lee" or "oh-KA-no-mah-poll"?

To settle it, they pull into the next driveway, and walk up to the girl behind the counter.

"Excuse me, can you help us settle an argument? Could you just pronounce where we are, slowly?"

The girl leans over the counter, and whispers,

"Burger King."

What made it fun was, I worked in fast food.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

An Old One-Liner

I was reminded today of an old one-liner (that I still find funny).

Lord, grant me patience....NOW!

Monday, August 13, 2012

One Thing Leads To Another

The joke I posted yesterday made me think of this one. By the way, I make beer, and one of my favorites to make is blond ale, which I call "Dotted Line Ale".

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph.
A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road.
When she had stopped, the officer asked,
"License and Registration please."
"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this,"
she said smiling.
"That's impossible!" The officer replied,
"I've never heard of such a license."
The blonde handed him her license. The officer said,
"Just as I suspected.
This is an ordinary license,
I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."
The blonde pointed to the bottom of the license and said,
"Can you see this? It says here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Too Funny!

I don't usually pass along this type, but I laughed so hard, I had to.


I was watching a piece about Shakespeare in Central Park, and I was reminded of this little bit I had seen online several times.

If all the world's a stage, where does the audience sit?

Thursday, August 2, 2012


If three out of four people suffer from constipation, does that mean the last one enjoys it?


I don't know why, but talking about jokes from my youth made me think of this one. It's dumb, but cute.

Q: What has eighteen legs and catches flies?

A: A baseball team

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me

One of my favorite shows on National Public Radio is "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me". At the end of each show, the panelists are asked to make humorous predictions about upcoming news items. On a recent show, they were asked,

"What will Mitt Romney bring back as a souvenir from his overseas trip?"

Mo Rocca had the best answer. He said,


Saturday, July 28, 2012

An Echo From My Past

The other night, my wife asked for help assembling supper. As I microwaved the peas, I remembered this silly little poem from when I was very young. My mom always loved it, and, from what she's told me, it's probably one of the first jokes I ever told.

I always eat peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
They do taste kind of funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Couple Of Short Ones

Speaker: Nothing that is false ever does anybody any good!
Old Man in Audience: Yer wrong, stranger. I got false teeth an' they do me a lot of good.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anybody can roast beef.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Two more of my favorites;

Excuse me, but does this bus go to the football game?

No, it doesn't.

But, there's an ad for the game on the front of the bus.

Yes, and there's an ad for Boston Baked Beans on the back of the bus, but we ain't goin' to Boston, neither.

Mississippi steamboat pilot, to nervous passenger: 

There's nothing to worry about. I've been running boats up and down this river so long, I know every snag and sandbar there is.

Just then, the boat struck a submerged log, shaking from bow to stern.
"See?", he said. "There's one, now!"

Sunday, July 15, 2012


Drunk: Whash ya lookin' for?
Policeman: We're looking for a drowned man.
Drunk (after trying really hard to think): Why do ya need one?

Drunk, to bystander: Shay, call me a cab, willya?
Bystander: Excuse me, sir. I'm not a doorman, I'm a naval officer.
Drunk: Okay, then. Call me a boat, jush so's I can get home.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Some Punny Jokes

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
      Velcro . . . What a rip-off!
     A cartoonist was found dead in his home.   Details are sketchy.
    Venison for dinner again??    Oh deer!
    The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
    Be kind to your dentist.  He has fillings, too.
    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?  She  
           couldn't control her pupils.
        When you get  bladder infection, urine trouble.
        Broken pencils are pointless.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Fast Thinking

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Go Somewhere Expensive

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some
place expensive................... 

So I took her to a gas station

Monday, July 9, 2012

Two Short Daffynitions

Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stopsbright ideas from penetrating.

Coffee (n.),the person upon whom one coughs.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

English Drives Me Crazy

OK, I finally have had it with English. This is why:

 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

 2) The farm was used to produce produce.

 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 10) I did not object to the object.

 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 13) They were too close to the door to close it.

 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

 English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

 Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

 We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers
write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't
ham?If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth,

 One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

 One index, 2 indices? Isn't it crazy that you can make amends, but
not one amend.

 If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

 If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

 If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
play and play at a recital, ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

 Have noses that run and feet that smell?

 How about this? You park in the driveway and drive on the parkway?

 How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

 You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

 English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
 lights are out, they are invisible.

 And, why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

Friday, July 6, 2012

Stolen Joke

I stole this from my son.

The Higgs Boson walks into a church.

The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here, this is a place of faith."

The Higgs Boson replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

And, as often happens, I then thought of this one.

Two hydrogen atoms are walking when one says, "I think I lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive."

Thursday, July 5, 2012

The Three Squaws

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on  an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This proves that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of
    them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other    goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan    sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,    she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband    responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

2 For 1

This is short, but it's one of my all-time favorites.

Two TV antennas meet on a rooftop, fall in love, and get married.
The ceremony was so-so, but the reception was excellent.

And that reminded me of this one.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Giant Cockroach

One thing leads to  another. One snail joke reminds me of another. A snail coming to the door reminds me of something else coming to another door. And so it goes...

A man hears a knock at his door one day. He opens it to find a giant cockroach, who slaps him and runs away.

The following day, he hears the same knock. He opens the door to find the same roach, who again slaps him and runs away.

For the third day in a row, he hears a knock at his door. When he opens the door, he sees the same roach, only this time, the roach punches him in the face, breaking his jaw.

When he goes to the hospital for treatment, the doctor asks him how it happened. He then relates the whole story of the knocks on the door, the cockroach, and the slaps, ending with the punch.

The doctor nods wisely, and says, "I see. Well, there is a nasty bug going around."

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Another Snail

It's funny how the mind works. When I heard Smoltz tell his joke, it reminded me of the other one I posted yesterday. Then, I thought about what I had just done, and remembered this one.

A man hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, he finds a snail trying to sell magazine subscriptions to work his way through college. The guy hates snails, so he picks him up and throws him as far as he can.
Three years later, a man hears a knock at the door. He answers the door, and finds a snail there, who says, "What did you do that for?"

Saturday, June 30, 2012


John Smoltz told this joke last night on the MLB Network.

Q: What did the snail say as he rode the turtle's back?

A: Yeeeee-Hah!!

Which reminded me of this one.

A snail went into a car dealership to buy a brand-new, fire engine red Ferrari. As they close the deal, he made one additional request. He asked them to paint a big white "S" on the side of the car. The dealer asked why, and he answered, "Well, my name is Sydney, and I want everyone to know this is MY car."
So, they did as he asked. Now, he speeds happily all around town, and you can hear his friends say as he zooms by,
"Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Friday, June 29, 2012

What Would You Do?

Years ago, when I owned a small farm in Ireland, I was taking one of my cows to the Limerick Meat Market when me and the cow were hit by a truck and tossed three feet up in the air and into a deep ditch by the side of the road.
When I recovered I sued the truck driver. However, the truck driver employed a hotshot lawyer who gave me a very hard time in court.
'But, Mr.O'Callaghan', the lawyer said, 'The Patrol Officer's statement clearly says that when he asked you how you were at the time of the accident, you said, 'I'm grand. I'm grand.' 'You surely can't deny that, now, can you?'
'Well, it was like this you see,' I responded, 'I had decided to take my brown and white speckled cow to the market. I was walking down the Limerick road in broad daylight, under a clear blue sky when...'
'I didn't ask you for all the details,' the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer my question. Did you or did you not say to the police officer at the scene of the accident, 'I'm grand.'?'
'Well, as I was trying to tell you,' I said, 'I was taking my brown and white speckled cow to the market, and minding my own business, when all of a sudden...'
The lawyer interrupted again and said 'Judge, I am only trying to establish the fact that, the plaintiff told the Highway Patrolman he was feeling grand. Now several weeks later he claims he was badly injured in the accident. Your honor, I suggest this is a fraudulent attempt to extract unwarranted damages from my client. Since the plaintiff can't deny that he said what he said, I ask the court to dismiss the personal damages claim.'
'I'd like to hear the full text of what Mr.O'Callaghan has to say,' the judge said.
'Thank you, your honor,' I replied. 'As I was saying, I was walking down the Limerick road in broad daylight and as sober as a judge, when Mick Murphy's truck came around the corner and drove right into me and my cow. Both of us were tossed upside down into the ditch. My neck, my leg and my arm were hurting real bad and I was afraid to move.
'But poor Molly was worse than me. In fact, she was moaning and groaning worse than a wild banshee. I must have blacked out from the pain because when I awoke I saw the Patrol Officer take one look at Molly, pull out his gun and shoot her in the head!
'Then he looked down at me. The smoking gun was still in his hand. I thought he had a strange look in his eyes as he said, 'Are you hurt very bad, son?'.'
"Now, what would you say?"

Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Old Man In The Park

A guy is jogging through the park, when he comes upon an old man, sitting on a park bench, sobbing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong, oldtimer?"

"I'm 84, and I'm married to a 26-year-old supermodel. She adores me. She cooks, cleans house, and we make wild, passionate love every night."

"Well, then, why are you crying?"

"I can't remember where I live!"

I always have one

I can't remember birthdays, appointments, or names. But if you tell me a joke, I'll be able to tell it back to you years later. I thought it would be nice to share some of these stories that have been rattling around for years.