Monday, July 30, 2012

The Asylum

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me

One of my favorite shows on National Public Radio is "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me". At the end of each show, the panelists are asked to make humorous predictions about upcoming news items. On a recent show, they were asked,

"What will Mitt Romney bring back as a souvenir from his overseas trip?"

Mo Rocca had the best answer. He said,


Saturday, July 28, 2012

An Echo From My Past

The other night, my wife asked for help assembling supper. As I microwaved the peas, I remembered this silly little poem from when I was very young. My mom always loved it, and, from what she's told me, it's probably one of the first jokes I ever told.

I always eat peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
They do taste kind of funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Couple Of Short Ones

Speaker: Nothing that is false ever does anybody any good!
Old Man in Audience: Yer wrong, stranger. I got false teeth an' they do me a lot of good.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anybody can roast beef.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Two more of my favorites;

Excuse me, but does this bus go to the football game?

No, it doesn't.

But, there's an ad for the game on the front of the bus.

Yes, and there's an ad for Boston Baked Beans on the back of the bus, but we ain't goin' to Boston, neither.

Mississippi steamboat pilot, to nervous passenger: 

There's nothing to worry about. I've been running boats up and down this river so long, I know every snag and sandbar there is.

Just then, the boat struck a submerged log, shaking from bow to stern.
"See?", he said. "There's one, now!"

Sunday, July 15, 2012


Drunk: Whash ya lookin' for?
Policeman: We're looking for a drowned man.
Drunk (after trying really hard to think): Why do ya need one?

Drunk, to bystander: Shay, call me a cab, willya?
Bystander: Excuse me, sir. I'm not a doorman, I'm a naval officer.
Drunk: Okay, then. Call me a boat, jush so's I can get home.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Some Punny Jokes

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
      Velcro . . . What a rip-off!
     A cartoonist was found dead in his home.   Details are sketchy.
    Venison for dinner again??    Oh deer!
    The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
    Be kind to your dentist.  He has fillings, too.
    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?  She  
           couldn't control her pupils.
        When you get  bladder infection, urine trouble.
        Broken pencils are pointless.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Fast Thinking

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Go Somewhere Expensive

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some
place expensive................... 

So I took her to a gas station

Monday, July 9, 2012

Two Short Daffynitions

Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stopsbright ideas from penetrating.

Coffee (n.),the person upon whom one coughs.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

English Drives Me Crazy

OK, I finally have had it with English. This is why:

 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

 2) The farm was used to produce produce.

 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 10) I did not object to the object.

 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 13) They were too close to the door to close it.

 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

 English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

 Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

 We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers
write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't
ham?If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth,

 One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

 One index, 2 indices? Isn't it crazy that you can make amends, but
not one amend.

 If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

 If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

 If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
play and play at a recital, ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

 Have noses that run and feet that smell?

 How about this? You park in the driveway and drive on the parkway?

 How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

 You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

 English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
 lights are out, they are invisible.

 And, why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

Friday, July 6, 2012

Stolen Joke

I stole this from my son.

The Higgs Boson walks into a church.

The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here, this is a place of faith."

The Higgs Boson replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

And, as often happens, I then thought of this one.

Two hydrogen atoms are walking when one says, "I think I lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive."

Thursday, July 5, 2012

The Three Squaws

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on  an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This proves that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of
    them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other    goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan    sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,    she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband    responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

2 For 1

This is short, but it's one of my all-time favorites.

Two TV antennas meet on a rooftop, fall in love, and get married.
The ceremony was so-so, but the reception was excellent.

And that reminded me of this one.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Giant Cockroach

One thing leads to  another. One snail joke reminds me of another. A snail coming to the door reminds me of something else coming to another door. And so it goes...

A man hears a knock at his door one day. He opens it to find a giant cockroach, who slaps him and runs away.

The following day, he hears the same knock. He opens the door to find the same roach, who again slaps him and runs away.

For the third day in a row, he hears a knock at his door. When he opens the door, he sees the same roach, only this time, the roach punches him in the face, breaking his jaw.

When he goes to the hospital for treatment, the doctor asks him how it happened. He then relates the whole story of the knocks on the door, the cockroach, and the slaps, ending with the punch.

The doctor nods wisely, and says, "I see. Well, there is a nasty bug going around."

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Another Snail

It's funny how the mind works. When I heard Smoltz tell his joke, it reminded me of the other one I posted yesterday. Then, I thought about what I had just done, and remembered this one.

A man hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, he finds a snail trying to sell magazine subscriptions to work his way through college. The guy hates snails, so he picks him up and throws him as far as he can.
Three years later, a man hears a knock at the door. He answers the door, and finds a snail there, who says, "What did you do that for?"